Buhtt sex?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
