Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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