oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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