What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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