can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
