drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
