The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
