we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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