I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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