the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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