A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
