I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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