She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
