I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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