Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
