if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
