I will die if light touches me.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
