"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
