I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
