I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
