remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
