just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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