You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
