This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
