No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
