Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
