she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
