I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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