I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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