the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
