South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
