So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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