Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
