So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
