this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
