my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
