wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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