I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
