I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
