oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
