You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
