I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
