She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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