Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
