Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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