is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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