I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
