Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
