I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
