I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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