If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
